Friday, October 17, 2008

A Second Opinion from Wonkette....

What Monster Did McCain Become Last Night?



WTF?A horrified America watched John McCain stagger up from his debate chair last night and turn into a monster. He almost caught our Barack Obama! What was happening? Clearly, the special anti-monster juice McCain drinks before public appearances was starting to wear off. They got him in the titanium-lined SWAT van just before he fully transformed. But fully transformed into what?



I saw Lon Chaney Jr. dancing with the queen ...HORRIBLE MEDIEVAL WEREWOLF: This would actually explain a lot, including, probably, why McCain is always talking about medieval Ireland, when he was a boy, before he was bitten by a werewolf, which put a terrible end to his happy carefree days of being a Celtic warrior who always crashed his horse into the enemy’s village.


We all float ... for five and a half years!HORRIBLE CHILD-EATING DEATH CLOWN: No wonder McCain’s handlers try to get him away from those debate audiences so quick! He was just moments away from turning into this evil-ass thing, the New Hampshire Primary Murder Clown, Rich Uncle Pennywise! Imagine being stuck on Secret Service duty with this campaign. Imagine having to bury the bodies every night.


Get behind thee, Walnuts!EVIL GORGON MEDUSA: Walnuts has always roamed the Earth, in his various guises, but by night, he shows his true death’s head, the GORGONEION from Hades, where he spent Five and a Half Million Years. (This is also the face he makes when he has sexytime! Your tax dollars pay for his Viagra!)



Knights In Satan's Service!DISGUSTING CLASSIC-ROCK GIMMICK CAR: There is nothing more hideous than 700-year-old arena rocker Gene Simmons, so it stands to reason that John McCain is the demon father of the KISS monster. Legend says shitty ‘71 Volkswagen Beetles with home paint jobs and huge styrofoam monster skulls/tongues were frequently on the scene before the Crusaders lost Jerusalem to the Arabs led by Bill Ayers the Terrorist Muslin.


HENGNGH HENGHH!EVIL SILENT-MOVIE GERMAN VAMPIRE: And now, a quote from Bram Stoker’s Dracula: “As the Count leaned over me and his hands touched me… a horrible feeling of nausea came over me, which, do what I would, I could not conceal. When the Count saw my face, his eyes blazed with a sort of demonaic fury, and he suddenly made a grab at my throat.”


Yes, that sounds about right.


The Khabs is in the Khu, not the Khu in the Khabs. THE BEAST: But our demonic experts here on the Wonkette staff finally concluded McCain was turning into this hell-beast of yore, as seen here in a 16th Century woodcut. These demonic shit-monsters once roamed the Eastern Seaboard, until they were captured by Benedict Arnold in 1776 and taught Naval Command skills at Annapolis. The creatures spawn a single fetus from the “egg duct” every hundred years; the fourth spawn of the cycle is always a crazy, self-obsessed idiot who has no military skillz.


(And yes, of course we have demonic experts on staff! We are a Washington Politics website, after all.)

4 comments:

Ronaldus Magnus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
New American Patriot said...

Still don't know why you keep posting your links here, but what the Hell.

Socialized medicine is brilliant. Just ask a Canadian. Or a Japanese.

They never have to worry about whether or not they'll be denied life-saving emergency services or buried in a lifetime of debt over medical costs.

But beyond that, I'm not living in fear of a label; redistribution of wealth to the middle class and the poor is a HELL of a lot better than the Republican plan of redistributing it to the rich and super rich. Government subsidies to corporations that dodge taxes through offshore shelters is moronically bad fiscal policy.

Oh, and how about those 3 million manufacturing jobs outsourced overseas since Boosch "took" office?

Not to mention all that Reagan- and Boosch 1-/Boosch 2- era deregulation.... Boy that's really worked out well now hasn't it?

Then there's the ARMY of the homeless - entire families now on the streets. So much for being trickled on.

Dude, you can't SERIOUSLY believe neocon fiscal >cough< "policy" is intended to benefit ANYONE except the ultra-rich and connected.

People like the descendents of Prescott Bush, who made the family fortune by selling petrol and other war manufacturing goods to the Nazis while Americans were dying fighting them.

People like George "dubya" Bush, who has purchased a huge parcel of land in the world's most notorious Nazi war-criminal hideout region of Paraguay, just in time to make his getaway after fleecing and destroying the American economy.

People like John McCain, who owns so many cars and houses he can't even remember them all.

Nice company you're keeping there, sport.

Ronaldus Magnus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
New American Patriot said...

I wouldn't paint it with such a broad brush. I'm not "proud of socialism"; having the flexibility to adopt ANY political strategy that is healthy and beneficial for the common welfare without sacrificing individual liberty and safety is what elected officials should be pursuing