Saturday, May 27, 2006

Not to mention a generous heap of powdered mescaline

Pat squeezes out another fat one for the faithful

Crazy Pat.

At it again.

But I'm finally starting to get his routine. Lord knows, he's always been generous in providing hilarity for the non-insane in America and abroad, from claims that Episcopalians, Presbyterians and Methodists are a secret Antichrist cult to being able to magically control the weather.

And while his routine occasionally lapses into bad taste, such as illegally passing voter lists to a convicted smuggler of WMD to Iran, praising China for forcing abortion on some of its citizens and repeatedly calling for the assassination of Chavez (all in the righteous name of Jay-zus, of course), in truth he's really just another, folksy, down-home billionaire party boy, getting richer than the average small Caribbean nation for the greater glory of God.

But Pat's latest schtick, the Strongest Man in Human History, is no laughing matter. Despite appearances, it's no ham-fisted homage to the late Andy Kaufman; it's 110% pure true fact. Sure he has his doubters, such as journalist Clay Travis of CBS Sportsline:

There is no way on earth Robertson leg presses 2,000 pounds. That would mean a 76-year-old man broke the all-time Florida State University leg press record by 665 pounds over Dan Kendra. 665 pounds. Further, when he set the record, they had to modify the leg press machine to fit 1,335 pounds of weight. Plus, Kendra's capillaries in his eyes burst. Burst. Where in the world did Robertson even find a machine that could hold 2,000 pounds at one time? And how does he still have vision?....
But Crazy Pat has a secret: the Godly magical power of powdered bean juice and rotten apples.

Doubting Thomas Clay is unconvinced:

"I would like to interview Pat Robertson about his leg-press workout and protein shake. If possible, I would like to accompany Pat on his workout where I could help him stack on the 44 different 45-pound plates he would need to attach to leg press 2,000 pounds. By my calculations, his leg press of 2,000 pounds requires 22 forty-fives and one ten-pounder on each side.
But why the Hell should we believe Clay? Can HE protect coastal Virginia from the righteous hurricane-borne fury of God?

I think not.

You may be surprised to learn that Crazy Pat's magic potion is available for purchase. Or maybe you won't be, at that.

Quotes of the Day:
"Our father high in heaven; smile down upon your son
who's busy with his money games, his women and his gun.
And the unsung Western Hero killed an indian or three
and made his name in Hollywood to set the white man free.
If Jesus saves, well he'd better save himself
from the gory glory seekers who use his name in death."
--Ian Anderson/Jethro Tull, "Hymn 43"


"When I was young, they packed me off to school
and taught me how not to play the game.
I didn't mind if they groomed me for success,
or if they said that I was just a fool.
So I left there in the morning with their God tucked underneath my arm
their half-assed smiles and the book of rules.
So I asked this God a question and by way of firm reply,
He said I'm not the kind you have to wind up on Sundays.
So to my old headmaster (and to anyone who cares);
before I'm through I'd like to say my prayers:
'I don't believe you: you got the whole damn thing all wrong
He's not the kind you have to wind up on Sundays.'"
--Ian Anderson/Jethro Tull, "Wind Up"

"If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?"
--Anonymous

No comments: